


Moonlighting - revisited.

by dance4thedead, Xbertyx



Series: Moonlighting series. [2]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: ;), Because I was a lazy fuck and didn't add them either - d4td, Crack, Hell yes it's that kind of humor, I have added the tags. Well done me - xbertyx, M/M, Multi, No animals were harmed in the in the making of this crackfic, Ronald being a slut - again, TAGS!!!, That's a lie Alois dimension hopped into our universe and shot a poodle with a .45, UT being a giant knob, We're back bitches, Xbertyx add the appropriate relationship tags you lazy sloth, dumbness, moonlighting, thank you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-05-27 09:01:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6278092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dance4thedead/pseuds/dance4thedead, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xbertyx/pseuds/Xbertyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A month after Sebastian turns back into a demon, UT decides to fuck everything up again with the help of his wizard friend's old spell book and a feather. William T. Spears, you are in deep shit my friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A rat with feathers.

Grell sighed as she flicked through her paperwork. "How dullll." Her foot tapped impatiently as she glanced up at the clock. Dammit, a whole six hours before tonight's orgy at the Trancy manor was to begin. Fortunately for the redhead, things were about to get far more interesting. With a flick of her hair, she stood up and opened the window of her office. "Hmm ... this will help clear my head of the dusty papers." Seriously Grell, if you'd actually do your work instead of banging Eric and demon Alan on your desk, it wouldn't have a chance to accumulate dust.

A cold gust of wind blew up her skirt (she'd decided to wear it as, you know, skirt = easier access for a dick slip up the back passage) and she shuddered. "Winter weather is so bothersome."

The animal that flew into her office was even more troubling as she detested feathery ~~friends~~ foes. The pigeon flew a little too close to the ground and almost got impaled by a stomping heel. "EEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! Get out of here, you dirty beast!" In its panic, the birdy flew up her skirt. "AGHHHHHH - oooooh - EEEEEEEEEEEEE, get out of there!"

The bird found it's escape easily as let's be honest, Grell doesn't wear her skirts very long, and flew onto her shoulder. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! RRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Obviously, Ronald would be too busy screaming at the top of his lungs for other reasons to hear Grell's terrified cries.

She could have swore that the bird rolled its eyes at her before it took off again, darting back out the same way that it had come. "Oh ... thank Madam Red for that!" She swayed slightly and braced herself on the table. "A damsel cannot take such stress." Before she had chance to overcome her near bird poopy death experience, IT RETURN!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

It proceeded to fly after her as she ran around in circles. Finally, having used up all of her stamina (most of it on screaming) she collapsed in the corner of the room. The pigeon dropped something onto her lap and then plonked itself down too, foot tapping madly on a ... pair of glasses?

Grell cocked her head. "Eh, what the hell!? What did you do to Will!?"

It ruffled its feathers at her and shot her the look. You know, THE look.

"Ah ... ooooh." It finally sunk in through thick layers of red locks. "W ... Will? Oh - Undertaker!"


	2. Breakfastus interruptus

“BASSSYYYYYYYY!”

The double doors to Ciel's bedroom nearly flew off the hinges, causing the young earl to scream profanities at his butler, the two intruding reapers, God, and the Queen.

(“YoungmastaI'msosorry. ItriedtakeepthemoutyesIdidbutthecuteonekissedmeandmenoseisbleedingnowbecausehesnuckabitoftonguein--” a high pitched voice continued to screech behind Ronald and Grell.)

“Eric self-nominated himself as the temporary replacement manager at the Dispatch, completely disregarding the fact that I have seniority over him!”

Sebastian calmly finished pouring the cup of tea for his young master, a small smile gracing his lips. He was going to get to kill a reaper today, maybe two. Or three. Today was going to be a good day.

“Like seriously? Apparently even in the afterlife there's sexism in the workplace! Oh, also, your boyfriend got turned into a pigeon by that pervy mortician. Here.”

Sebastian was pulled out of the wonderful daydream of stuffing Grell's corpse into the Phantomhive icebox by the pigeon that was thrown his way.

“William?” Sebastian asked in a small voice as the little bird pecked at his gloved fingers.

“Sebastian!”

“What is it, young master?”

“Your problems are affecting ME!”

Sebastian looked down at his cooing boyfriend. “My apologies, I will make the necessary arrangements to resolve the issue as soon as I can oh William you are quite adorable like this young master can I keep him please please please please please?”

“NO!”

“Well then, I suppose then the next course of action is to return to the Dispatch?”

“Yeah, to cut Eric's schlong off.”

Ronald produced a familiar pair of rusty pink sheers, placing it in Sebastian's pigeon-free hand. “Welcome back ta the team, mate.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Senpai, can ya really call yourself a feminist? Didntcha brutally murder a slew of women because they wanted abortions?  
> Shut up Ronald


	3. Knob meet rod.

 A metal rod was produced by Alan and run over Eric's erection. Alan still worked in branch, though everyone was aware that Eric was probably sneaking him souls on the sly. However, ain'tnobodygottimeforthat (disciplining Eric) when UT was up to his old tricks again. 

"Al, what's tha'?" Eric asked.

"A sounding rod."

"Wha'?" 

Alan ran it over Eric's tip. "You put it in here and it stretches you from the inside out."

Eric jumped a mile from the demon. "Oh hell noooooooooooooooooo! Ya' not impalin' my knob!" 

Alan's eyes glowed as he pushed out his bottom lip. "But ... Eric -." 

The door was flung open, Sebastian coming into the office with the sheers, William perched back on Grell's shoulder. "You sexist pig! Off with your head!" (You know, THAT head!) 

Sebastian took a swing at Eric's lower region, only for Alan to lunge at him. "No one lacerates his penis but me!" His teeth sunk into Sebastian's neck. 

"Nhhh!" 

"Oh darling, how violent!!!!!" Grell cooed, almost jizzing her pants. "Soooo muchhhhhh blaaaaadddd!"

"Blad? Bladder?" Ronald asked.

"No more talk of fuckin' bladder play!" Eric hissed. 

Sebastian groaned again. "Oooh, my, my, you are a kinky little newborn, aren't you?" He pushed Alan off of him and flung him into his stomach on the floor. The sheers were discarded. 

He was soon on top of naked demon boy, cock hovering over his entrance. "Say the word."

"Gyahhh ... hurry up!" Alan said and pushed himself back onto Sebastian's massive cock. "Ooooh .... Eric ... camera!"

"Hnn ... fair enough, as long as my dick is fuckin' safe." 

"It is, your boyfriend has sacrificed his delicate insides for you." Sebastian stated. 

"Sweet!" Eric rushed to grab his camera from the desk and began to record. He then looked over at the other two reapers. "Umm ... tha' fuck y' got a pigeon for?"

"Well ...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eric: so tell me again why you wanted to stick that down my pee hole?
> 
> Alan: I wanted to watch you cry as you pissed yourself, Eric.
> 
> Eric .... O.o


	4. This Is Why William Is Normally In Charge

“You cheated.”

“Yeah, 'course I did.”

“You went on three!”

“You went on TWO!

“Well maybe, Eric, I wouldn't have gone on _two_ if I thought you were going to play fair.”

“Says the bitch who went on bloody two!”

Alan, Ronald, Sebastian, and the William-pigeon were spectating the two grown adults from a safe distance away across the office. They would have probably let Sebastian stick his junk in Ronald's trunk while Alan rubbed himself off against Ronald's prick, but they were scared of getting caught in the crossfire.

“I say we just put it up to a vote,” Grell said, her hand not-so-accidentally drifting to her death scythe. “All in favor of Eric's half-baked coup (pun intended) say 'I'.” She punctuated her declaration with a necessary eye roll.

“Just a sec,” Ronald interrupted “Do either of you have actually a plan? Like, one that needs to be done right away?”

*crickets and cicadas*

“Ummm ... Senpai, Eric,” he continued, “I was thinking … wanna go out on a group date while Will can't force us to do overtime?”

Grell expression switched from “Wtf Ronald no one gave you back your talking privileges why is there sound coming from your mouth” to “Fuck it, let's go” in the span of a second.

“First, kiss and make up,” directed Ronald.

“If I wanted t' kiss insecure hellspawn , Ronnie, I'd just give Al a snog.”

“Eric Slingby, I hope you die a second miserable death alone and in pain. I hope vultures chew out your eyes and claw out your innar--”

“Okayyyy then, let go get drinks.”

“--that your piss turns into acid and your bladder ruptures so you have acid-piss stuck in your intestines and--”

“But ... I can't get drunk,” Alan said glumly under Grell's rant as everyone but Sebastian and Pigeon!Will exited the office, ushered out by Ronald.

Sebastian sat on a desk, stroking his boyfriend's feathers, trying to decided whether or not everyone's extreme behavior could be attributed to Undertaker.

“William, you're quite adorable like this. You'd be cuter as a kitten, but still … might you say this way forever? Hm? OWWWWW! Bad William; no biting!”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms. Sutcliff, I think you're taking this game too seriously. It's supposed to be rock-paper-scissors, not rock-paper...chainsaw...
> 
> Alan, sweetie, I love you, but say another word and I'll turn your boyfriend into a Ken doll.
> 
> *shrugs* I don't mind. I can top.


	5. Roddy Ronnie!

Reapers at the London dispatch were notorious for attending the most shady of places, especially Ronald. Currently, everyone but pig-pig and Sebastian were at the most run down strip club in London.

Alan came to find Eric and Ronald, dressed in a tight leather corset and black stilettos. "Eric ... Ronnie?"

Eric turned to face him. "Hey - holy shit!"

"Y ... you don't like it?"

"Na it's ... jus', what's wi' tha' whip?"

"A whip is for whipping, Eric."

"Well duh!" Ronald laughed.

"I rented us a private room out back. Want to join me?" His eyes glowed brightly.

"We don't 'ave a choice, do we?" Eric asked.

"Nope."

\------

Alan lashed Ronald's back as Eric filmed it. "Ah ... fuck."

"Do you like that, Ronnie?"

"Yeah ... hell fuckin' yeah. More, more!"

"As you wish." The whip was brought down harder.

"Ahhh ... mother fucker!"

\------

Ronald was now being fucked on his back on the floor, hips raised onto Alan's knees, sounding rod dripping with come. Alan hadn't been completely sadistic, having used the thinnest rod possible. He didn't want to split Ronald's knob in half, as yes, he was a demon but he wasn't a giant cunt.

"Ah ... shit, I've been double penetrated ... before ... but not like this."

"See." Alan pouted at Eric. "He lets me rod him!"

"Yeah ... 'cause he's a giant whore."

"Tha' ... I am." Ronald groaned as Alan filled him to the hilt. "Ohhh ... fuck! Why are ... demon - agjagayaga! - cocks so fuckin' ... massive?"

"Not sure." Eric said. "Man ... I got a good angle on this film. It looks like a proper porno."

"F ... fuck yeah! Al ... I bet y' love this, ay?"

"Love what? Sticking metal poles up you?"

"Na ... havin' a big cock. Eric ... told me ... y' had a right lil' one ... when y' were ... human. Oooooh!"

"Eric!" Alan half shouted, half growled at him.

"Wha'?" Eric smiled as innocently as possibly (and failed). "Guys like talking dick sizes."

"Yes but don't bring me into it!" He rammed into Ronald hard, partly wanting to tear him in two.

"Ahhh ... so ... fuckin' good!" Ronald cried out to the heavens.

Alan stopped trying to Ronnie - atom split and grinned, bending forward and wrapping Ronald's legs around his middle. He licked over the skin of the whorey reaper's shoulder before biting down hard on the flesh, blood spilling into his mouth and making him come so hard that he almost shot liquid into Ronald's intestines.

"Oh ... yes, fuck!"

"Damn ...." Eric gaped. "Well ... better ya' than me, Ronnie."

\-----

Meanwhile, Claude had been alerted to the date night by Sebastian, even though that demon was too busy stroking birdy and getting hard over it.

He placed a drink next to Grell on the bar. "Lovely evening, isn't it, Sutcliff?"


	6. Dear Ronald

Dear Ronald,

We need to talk. Actually, you to listen.

First, I need you to afford me the same respect that I've had for you our entire relationship together. I'm not asking for your pity and I'm not asking to try to understand what I feel. I just need you to realize that your actions influence me.

That you enjoy having sex with men, demons, reapers, your right hand, and various toys … that's not what bothers me. We're in an open relationship, and I wouldn't want us any other way.

But I've heard that you don't even mention me anymore. I'm not even talking about during your trysts, I'm talking about every day. You've been acting like we don't exist--like I don't exist. And I deserve better than that.

I feel like you're regressing, to be honest. You're creeping back into that metaphorical closet again. It's like you're ashamed of me, and it's entirely unfair to make me doubt myself like that. I am what I am. I've come to terms with that.

I'm tired of you. I don't think you even try anymore.

I wont be a piece of furniture that you can fuck whenever it best suits you.

Think it over; you know where to find me.


	7. Yo my chair.

Dear sweet Chair,

I have listened and yeah, I do respect you. I really do care for you. I'd never pity you, babe, never. You deserve more than that.

Yep, I'm a man whore. I enjoy fucking everything that comes my way, even Alan. Yes, I am that desperate. And it's both hands, not just my right. I love our relationship too.

I might not talk about you but I do still love you and I think about you everyday. The thoughts of your cold steel legs drives me to wank until my dick almost falls off. So yes, you are on my mind, always. I'd never think that you didn't exist. Never, ever, ever.

I'm not ashamed of you! I couldn't be! You're everything to me and more!

But ... but babe, I want to fuck you when it suits me! Please understand that a piece of furniture can't always meet my needs. I crave warmth; the touch of another living being.

I'll come to find you but you need to calm down and stop pmsing first.

Your hot boyfriend, Ronald. Xxxxxxxx.


	8. Get your shit together

"Lovely evening, isn't it, Sutcliff?"

Grell glared at Claude as she picked up the drink he set in front of her. 

"I owe you nothing for this."

"Of course," the demon said, taking the stool beside her. "You simply seemed-"

"Thirsty?" 

"In a colloquial sense."

A manicured hand darted to Claude's trousers, squeezing with the intent of popping the sausage out of the casing.

Claude chuckled, reveling in the pain. "Put some technique into it, woman."

"You know, poor little old me just wanted to have a night of fun while not thinking about my two unrequited loves fawning over each other in a way that makes me want to cheer for their good fortune and vomit in my mouth at the same time, but no, you had to come along and spoil it all for me!"

"Oh pardon me, I'm but a messenger. I thought you'd want to know that your friend's feathered sex toy has been quite the talk of the town."

"It is Willy, so nothing's new there." 

"You'd do well to heed my warning. With an essential member of the London's collection's department currently indisposed of, this city has become something liken to an open invitation banquet."

"And why are you coming to me?" Grell purred with a not so gentle turn of her wrist. 

"Some amount of immigration control would be highly appreciated."

"Is the great Claude Faustus afraid of a little competition?"

"And Grell, how have you yourself fared how with your own competition?" the demon whispered sweetly as sounds of Eric fucking Alan into yet another orgasm emanated from the backroom. 

"How fortunate it is that the remaining London reapers recognize you are their obvious leader ... what a state they'd be in otherwise."

Grell's wrist was yanked off of the demon's anatomy and Claude placed the lightest of kisses on the back of her hand.

"Enjoy your drink," he said. Then he was gone. 

Grell let out a frustrated sigh as she tried figure out what the hell she was supposed to do with her wet panties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back bitches ;)


	9. Rulezzzz.

 The following day, after Grell had tossed … and tossed … and tossed again over Claude, she had called a meeting; one most urgent.

 Her heels clicked against the floor as she paced back and forth. “Right darlings … and Eric. Now, I know that Eric won the rock, paper, scissors, but I have sources, sources that tell me demons are upon us.”

 “Yeah.” Ronald rolled his eyes as he pointed to the butler at his side. “There’s one right – OW! Boss, stop pecking me!”

 “Oh dear.” Sebastian smiled. “Someone is cranky today.”

 “Ah-hem.” Grell glared at the reapers in front of her. “As I was saying, the demons have heard of Willy’s … absence. So, so we need a leader who can handle demons.” *cough* “Not Eric.”

 Sebastian chuckled lightly. “Sutcliff, you’ve never been able to handle demons. If you recall, I almost killed you the once.”

 “Pfft, Sutcliff, I knew ya’d pull something like this.” Eric smirked. “But ya’ can’t be a supervisor. I’ve already checked.”

 “Waahhhh?!” Grell threw her hands up in the air. “Why, because I’m a woman?! You sexist -.”

 “No.” Folds of paper were pulled from Eric’s trouser pocket. “I read tha' rules.”

 Alan nodded, though really he was bored; there was too much talking and not enough fucking going on. “I know, it’s shocking that he actually read them. Anyway ….”

 “Al, shut up.” Eric continued. “Grell, ya’ can’t be a supervisor because it says in section one tha’ a reaper tha’ has gone through disciplinary actions can never be a supervisor. Remember tha’ lil’ Jack tha’ Ripper incident?”

 “Y … you’re lying!” Grell shrieked.

 “Sorry babe,” Eric winked, “rules are rules.”

 Alan winced as Grell’s chainsaw flew dangerous close to Eric’s private region.

 “Oi, watch my dick!”

 “You are a dick, you sexist, disgusting brute!”

 Ronald and Sebastian rolled their eyes simultaneously, and the butler checked his pocket watch. “Oh my, I really must be going. My lord will wet his panties if lunch is not prepared on time.”


End file.
